


The Things that We Could Be

by stardustedknuckles



Series: Beauyasha College AU [10]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: College AU, Early Relationship, F/F, Fluff, and before any actual relationship, as usual, demigray yasha, like really early, so is beau but not as bad, spiky beau and earnest yasha figuring things out, yasha is bad at cooking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-15
Updated: 2021-03-15
Packaged: 2021-03-23 06:47:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,651
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30051516
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stardustedknuckles/pseuds/stardustedknuckles
Summary: Beau and Yasha have met up once or twice for photo shoots, but tonight the goal is to spend the evening working on homework at Yasha's apartment. Yasha's excited for the reason to try and make something for them to share, but she's sort of tragically new to the basics of...well, a lot. But it's fine because Beau's just as new to the idea of being treated so kindly. Maybe they can work something out.
Relationships: Beauregard Lionett/Yasha
Series: Beauyasha College AU [10]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2024825
Comments: 4
Kudos: 87





	The Things that We Could Be

The directions on the box had seemed so simple. Actually they were - Yasha knew they were - and that was the frustrating part. It was simple in theory to brown meat and cook pasta, but it was another thing entirely to actually do it, especially at the same time.

Evening was in full swing outside the window of the dining area as Yasha placed both hands on either side of the stove and sighed. The stuff in the big skillet smelled okay, but it was soupy and watered down and also maybe somehow burning, and Beau was due to show up in ten minutes. Stressed would be putting things mildly. Frustration came close, but Yasha was forced to consider that she might be hovering a little closer to despair as she mentally flipped through the random spices and leftover takeout that comprised pretty much the entirety of what she had to eat.

There was nothing for it. They would have to order out.

And that was fine, just. The whole point of inviting Beau to her apartment instead of meeting her someplace else was to provide a space in which Beau might be convinced to set down some of that shell she wore. Anyone could go to a restaurant - gods knew Yasha was a familiar sight around the food joints in this town - and food ordered wasn't any better. She'd wanted to _do_ something for Beau, something small enough not to set her off or make her feel guilty somehow. _Oh yeah I was just whipping something up for myself, please help yourself._

"Fuck," Yasha said to the stove.

On cue, there came a knock. Of course Beau would show up on time as soon as Yasha had learned to plan for her stubborn tardiness. Of course.

"Fuck," she said more quietly, and then she took a deep breath and crossed to the door.

It was barely autumn, and the darkening evenings were only just beginning to take on any kind of promise of the cold coming in the next few weeks. Beau stood with her shoulders hunched and her hands in her pockets, wearing the joggers Yasha had met her in and a shirt that looked like it might have once come with sleeves that had since been relieved from their post.

Yasha quickly pushed a hand through her hair and cleared her throat. "Hi. You're early. For you I mean."

Beau tilted her head, her permanent small frown deepening. "I can wait, or. If something came up, it's fine, I can just -"

"No no no." Yasha felt like smacking herself in the forehead. "Please come in. I just…I made a mess and hoped I could get rid of it before you saw, and I know you like to show up late, so…" she trailed off awkwardly and closed the door behind them as Beau stood just inside and flicked her eyes around the room. It was hard to tell what she was thinking, but she looked to Yasha like nothing so much as a cat debating whether to run or let itself be pet.

She paused, nose up. "What's that smell?" 

Yasha slipped past her to the kitchen to stick a lid on the pan, feeling all at once vaguely sweaty. "That would be the mess. I tried to make us something - me something - but I'm…not good at kitchen things. Would you be alright if I maybe ordered in some food for us?"

Beau had followed just far enough to be able to see into the kitchen, and her face was unreadable. She glanced at the box on the counter. "You don't have to share. I've got stuff for me."

Yasha knew exactly what that meant - an energy drink and a protein bar crammed in the messenger bag slung over her hip, probably also what she'd had for breakfast. If she'd had breakfast.

She rubbed her forehead. "No, I was trying to play it cool. I was making something for us both. I'm just." She sighed. "I'm still very new to all of this. I mostly eat out."

Beau smirked, but it seemed hollow somehow. "If you insist." Before Yasha could think of a way to respond to that, Beau held up a hand. "Sorry. I'm…I think 'abrasive' is a generous description, but mostly I'm just an asshole."

  
"I know," Yasha said sincerely. Her brain caught up to her mouth a second later. "Shit. I meant that in a good way."

Beau gave her a strange look. "There's a good way to be an asshole? Damn, I gotta revamp my whole strategy."

Yasha floundered, watching the planned evening crash and burn in slow motion before her and unable to think of how to get back on her feet. She'd never been particularly eloquent, but that hadn't seemed to matter the first time they met. It had been so easy. What was the secret?

She gestured with the pan and made to move around Beau. "Let me go flush this and we can do homework while we wait for a delivery if you want."

Something strange flashed across Beau's face, but Yasha was too embarrassed to look closely. She should have practiced before trying something with more than two steps. Stupid.

"Wait." Yasha paused and turned back to Beau, startled when she took one hand out of her pocket to gesture at the pan. "Let me look at it. If that's okay."

It pained Yasha to imagine Beau's reaction to her miserable failure, but she nodded hesitantly.

Beau stepped forward and lifted the lid with an unusual gentleness, and the clinical eye she ran over the contents held nothing of derision or scorn. "You haven't put the powder in yet."

Yasha blinked. "Seemed kind of pointless when I burned it."

Beau waved a hand dismissively. "You didn't burn all of it. You just had your gas on too high. Most of it's fine." She seemed to snap out of something and glanced to the kitchen. "I could show you."

She was nervous, Yasha realized. Something about offering to fix this for her had Beau feeling exposed. It was strange, but even though this also wasn't the version of her she'd met a month ago, Yasha still felt immediately more at ease. "I'd like that, yes."

Beau nodded stoically and stepped back, lid in hand. Yasha hesitated, then barreled ahead before she could talk herself out of it. "But I'm not opposed to eating out as well."

Beau flinched, and for a horrible moment Yasha was terrified she'd misjudged the situation. But as quickly as she jumped, a surprised and authentic smile spread reflexively across Beau's face before her eyebrows pressed it into a trademark sharp grin. "Knew you had your reasons for meeting here."

Yasha couldn't help grinning back even as she protested. "I fully anticipated that we would also get some work done."

Beau followed her into the kitchen and shooed her away from the front of the stove. "I know. It was adorable." She snagged the spoon Yasha had been using from beside the stove and started pushing through the soupy mess, pulling out some of the blackened chicken and setting it to the side. "I brought my notebook, but I want it on record that it was both an afterthought and a formality."

Yasha leaned against a nearby counter to get a good view of whatever magic Beau was going to work. "Noted." If Beau noticed the unanticipated softness of her tone, she didn't let on.

This was correct, Yasha thought. However long it lasted, however complicated it might be to pull out of Beau again - out of them both - something had shifted and the elation surging in Yasha's chest was almost too much to bear. She'd glimpsed this that first night, had accepted their encounter as a one-time thing even upon stumbling across Beau's path again. But watching her confidently manipulate the stove and make something presentable out of the mess Yasha had come up with, she knew. Not what the feeling was, precisely, not yet. She didn't dare. But she knew as she had on that first day that she'd do an awful lot to pull this side of Beau out again and again.

Beau carried the plate of burned meat to the trash can and pushed the lid down to dump it in. She paused. "Not to be creepy about your trash, but. The box on top - did you buy this pan today?"

Heat rose in Yasha's cheeks. "Um. Yes. And the strainer. And the dish set. I did already have the silverware though. And some…spices."

The shuttered expression that had overtaken Beau at the mention of sharing food was back, and she shook her head quickly and turned back to the stove. "You don't need as much heat as you think," she said abruptly. "More isn't always better. Just keep it here and dump the flavor packet in, stir it all and wait." She poked dully at the pasta. "Should just need a couple minutes more. You got it most of the way."

Beau's words were flat, matching none of the information or encouragement they conveyed. Her head turned in Yasha's direction as she spoke, but she didn't look right at her. Yasha hadn't noticed her free hand outside of its pocket, but she noticed it returning there now.

"Thank you," Yasha said softly. "Can I ask…what's wrong?"

Beau took a deep breath through her nose, stirring. Waiting.

Yasha forged ahead because staying quiet seemed suddenly unacceptable. "I won't press. But I noticed, and. You were having fun, is all." She spoke carefully, hyper aware of the delicate atmosphere even as she tried and failed to fully grasp the context of it. "It was nice to see."

Another quiet moment passed, and Yasha had almost resigned herself to working back up from the start when Beau spoke again. "You've been here since at least the summer, yeah?"

Yasha nodded and tried to not to be too relieved. "I arrived in the country with my sponsor in early spring, but I got the apartment at the start of summer semester."

Beau's head had tilted slightly at "sponsor," but she didn't comment. "You didn't need all this stuff for yourself," she said instead. "You could've just ordered something in and eaten before I got here. For all you knew, I wasn't even hungry."

Yasha smiled. "I think you're always hungry. You just don't give away much."

Beau looked up, seeming almost at a loss. "That's the kind of stuff I'm talking about."

"What?"

"I don't know, just." She shook her head. "I wouldn't ask you to go through all the trouble and it feels weird that you did." She hesitated. "I don't want to owe you. Especially not…later."

It took Yasha a delicate moment to parse Beau's uncomfortable expression with the implications of the last word. "You mean sex." Beau didn't answer. She didn't have to.

The vague, diffuse shape of Beau's mindset partially solidified in Yasha's mind with an almost audible snap. "I absolutely do not want sex if you feel you're making up for something I gave freely."

Beau seemed to almost deflate, tensing up a second later as her guard shot back up. "It's not like I mind. You're hot and you're nice. It's not a chore."

"You sound like you're talking yourself into it."

Beau made a frustrated noise. "I'm trying to tell you I want…" she broke off, and Yasha gave a tentative, encouraging nod. "I want to do it only because you're hot and you're nice. Not anything else. And it's hard to look at it that way when there's not another way I can pay you back."

"You want it to be different," Yasha said. Her shoulders relaxed a little bit as Beau nodded, frowning at the food. With a clearer understanding of what she was looking at, Yasha pushed aside the urge to try and talk Beau out of her mindset and met her in the middle. "Would it help if I came up with something? A way you can settle the score and I can live with you feeling like you have to - just for now."

For the first time since she'd spotted the trash, Beau really looked at her. Uncertainty, yes, but some kind of resolve too. "Name it," she said, "but it better not be something dumb like 'pet a puppy every day' or whatever."

There was a joke Yasha could make, but the tension between them didn't feel like the kind that needed diversion. Just resolution. Yasha folded her arms and tried to pick her words carefully. "I am still getting used to being able to afford the things I need," she began. "Being able to do what I want is also very new. I'm not good at it."

Beau lifted the lid on the food and put it back down, frowning slightly. "How can you be bad at doing what you want?"

"I don't know what my options are." Yasha had a distantly uncomfortable feeling that she was maybe revealing too much, but it was overwritten for the most part by the sense of sharing. She nodded towards the pan on the stove and said, "I need help learning what's available to me. Things I might like to try. Stuff that should go in the cabinets and how to make it."

Beau nodded solemnly. "Furniture."

The faint blush rising in Yasha faded quickly, hopefully before making it to her face. "Exactly. I don't buy what I don't need, but…I'd like to try. I get the feeling you're the right person to ask."

Beau's mouth quirked. "That obvious I came from money?"

"I was thinking more that you're accustomed to a certain level of personal preference." She smiled apologetically. "It sort of feels to me like _everyone_ here comes from money."

The lid on the pan began to rattle ever so slightly, prompting an anxious glance from Yasha that resolved when Beau ignored it. "So what, you want me to tell you how to like stuff? Help you find your style or whatever?"

"More or less."

"Not much better than the puppy idea." Beau checked under the lid. "I don't know where you keep your plates."

Yasha turned and opened a cabinet - nope, other one - and pulled down two of the plates she'd washed earlier. "There is nothing wrong with petting puppies, but I wouldn't insult you by asking you to do something I didn't actually care about."

She set them on the counter and watched Beau give the food a final stir before turning the heat off and scooping out the first big spoonful. "So what are the terms, specifically?"

Yasha spoke slowly, feeling out what she was saying as she went. "You come over twice a week for at least an hour and work with me on something related to….maybe not fun, but. More than survival? And in return, you let me use some of what I learn now and then to be nice to you."

Beau still looked skeptical.

"Also we actually do homework."

Skepticism dissolved into an exaggerated sigh, but the tension leaving Beau's shoulders was unmistakable. "You drive a hard bargain, but I think math is sucky enough to round out the deal." She pointed the spoon at Yasha. "Fair warning, most of my food comes out of boxes and cans."

Yasha shrugged and reached to wipe a bit of sauce dripping from the spoon before it could fall, sticking her finger in her mouth absentmindedly. "Most of mine is takeout. You can't really go wrong here." She blinked at Beau's expression. "What is it?"

Beau's eyes were transfixed on her face, and Yasha saw her swallow before turning away again. "Nothing." She put the spoon back in the pan and handed her a plate, ears dark. "Just looking forward to dessert."

In spite of her misgivings, Yasha smiled and let herself relax as she took the offered food. Gods knew the whole situation was making Yasha's insides feel greasy somehow, but it was clear that to insist Beau not do something in return was only to put the terms of repayment on her. She couldn't be sure, but she deeply suspected that Beau would never feel like she'd caught up. If Yasha couldn't convince her to accept good things without strings yet, she could at least take the opportunity to make them good strings.

"I'm curious," she ventured. "Did you make Jester do the same sort of thing? I have a hard time imagining her allowing it."

Beau shrugged halfheartedly. "She's Jester. Helping's her whole deal. No letting her feels…wrong."

Yasha knew exactly what she meant and smiled briefly at the thought of their mutual, excitable friend. "Jester does make it easy," she agreed. "I guess the biggest thing I could say about all of this is…trust me?"

Beau squinted at her. "To…?"

"To do exactly as I please. Just like you."

The smile that pulled at Beau wasn't as sincere as the one before, but it was still a step removed from pure cynicism. "Yeah, but I'm an asshole. Where's your silverware?"

Yasha openly smirked and reached for the drawer by Beau's hip. "Here. And I told you, I like it." She pulled it open to nudge against Beau's hipbone.

Beau glanced at the drawer, back up to Yasha, and bumped it shut again. A challenge flickered behind her eyes, cautiously playful.

Yasha gave her an even stare. "Oh baby."

Beau laughed outright, a rusty sound more beautiful for its scarcity, and Yasha had to turn away before she looked a little too long and ruined the mood.

She'd picked up on it of course, the telltale signs of a person unused to kindness and conditioned to anticipate threat from within it. There was a time Yasha had seen the world the same way, and it surprised her not at all that Beau's natural response differed from hers so much in its presentation. Everything Beau did was bombastic, including hiding.

At least, she seemed that way to Yasha. She was starting to get the feeling that perhaps that clarity was less common than she'd assumed.

* * *

But oh, Beau was _blinding_. Yasha didn't dare speak her thoughts aloud, wouldn't risk saying anything to take even a shade of intensity in Beau's blue eyes away from her. Yasha pressed her thumbs more firmly into Beau's hipbones and nuzzled closer into her damp heat, captivated by the smell and the taste of her and the soft, suppressed noises she made as Yasha took her apart by degrees.

She dragged the flat of her tongue up to circle Beau's clit and sucked it gently between her lips, then a little harder to savor the way Beau's whole body jerked as her fingers gripped the sheets. One day, Yasha thought. One day, she'd coax those noises from Beau that she was keeping so resolutely locked behind her teeth. Not yet, not today, but one day she would lift her head and call to her, and one day Beau might let go. But there was so much life to live between then and now, so much to learn.

Beau fell apart beautifully for her, shiny with sweat and drying slick as she gasped and arched against Yasha's tongue like the feel of it was all that was holding her together. She collapsed bonelessly after a small eternity, twisted up with her bottom lip held fast between her teeth, and Yasha was already pulling away when she reached down to push at her head.

Her thighs still trembled as Yasha pressed a soft kiss to the inside of one, and there were tiny, bright tears in the corners of her eyes that Yasha pretended not to see as she lay beside her and waited for Beau to come back down. Some strong part of Yasha, stronger than she'd maybe realized, wanted to reach over and hold Beau. The only thing stronger than her desire to wipe away those tears and wrap around her was the knowledge that to do so would only push her away - at least for now.

The knowledge did little to quell the want, though, and Yasha stayed staring up at the ceiling next to Beau as she caught her breath and finally looked over to her. "My turn?"

This was the tricky part, the bit Yasha was never quite certain how to explain. She offered the out she knew Beau wouldn't take. "You don't have to. I very much enjoyed even just that much."

As she'd expected, Beau protested. "Look. I don't remember everything about the party we met at, but I remember everything about _you_ and what you liked." She propped herself up on an elbow and frowned pensively. "Unless I missed something. Did I miss something? You don't strike me as someone who fakes stuff, but I gotta ask."

Yasha turned her head to stare meaningfully into those uncertain eyes. "You were fantastic. It's been a long time since I felt that comfortable with someone."

She watched Beau affect an intentionally casual air, which meant she was pleased by the compliment. "I know what I'm doing." Her careless shrug was slightly skewed by the flush still in her cheeks and the battered state of her topknot, but she managed to pull off suave anyway.

It had been so much more than Beau simply knowing what she was doing. There'd been some sort of connection - some confluence of right places and times that had made simple for Yasha what was most of the time a fairly complicated process. She glanced away from Beau. "I, uh. I'm not usually so easily undone."

Now Beau grinned. "There's more where that came from."

She was so charming, Yasha thought, laid out beside her naked as anything and proud to be. The complete lack of self-consciousness reminded Yasha that she had to be careful here, lest she accidentally put a dent in that confidence and bring them backwards. She smiled back and dared to reach out just long enough to push a strand of Beau's sweaty hair away from her forehead. Beau flinched a little on reflex, looking confused before lifting a hand to wipe her forehead off herself.

Caution, always. Yasha set her hand back down and bit back the urge to apologize.

Instead, she redirected the urge to an explanation and let it bleed through a little bit there. "I can be kind of…difficult to get going." It wasn't a lie. "I don't want you to get frustrated if I can't - if it's not as easy as last time."

Beau made an impatient little huff and looked her over. "Everyone's got off nights. I'm not gonna be offended if you need a vibrator or something." She paused at the look on Yasha's face. "You don't have one, do you."

Truthfully, sex toys were one of those things that hit Yasha with an urge every couple of months and faded as soon as she considered going to find a shop or waiting for shipping. It simply didn't occur to her often enough that she might like to have one until she did and there was none to be found. "Haven't gotten around to it, yeah."

The look Beau was giving her wasn't judgmental or even hurt, but it made a knot tighten in Yasha's gut to consider how quickly it could turn that way. "You'd make a damn good monk, probably."

Yasha blinked. "Sorry?"

Beau sat up and looked around. "Nothing, just. Not to be too much of a dick but you got nothing here. Like, I wasn't sure if you were pulling my leg about needing help figuring out what's good to have in a place you live, but _wow_ you were serious." She looked back to Yasha. "I'm just saying, if sex toys count as a thing you'd like help with, I am all over it."

Doubt still bled through Yasha's thoughts, but she smiled in spite of it. Sex toy shopping didn't sound terribly fun most of the time, but any kind of shopping with Beau was almost guaranteed to be some kind of adventure. "That can be on the table," she agreed.

Beau leaned in close, leering. "Not the table you have."

There was a game happening here, and Yasha was happy to play. "And just what's wrong with my table?"

"Oh nothing, just. Anything heavier than a vibrator would make its little metal legs snap." She raised an eyebrow. "I'm much heavier than a vibrator, if you were wondering."

Her face broke into a triumphant grin as Yasha laughed out loud at that. She was beginning to understand what brought the best out in Beau - whatever Yasha's thoughts were about making deals and working with the darkness dwelling in Beau's past, it was clear that putting her in charge of the things that made her confident had been an excellent decision. "Fine," she said. "A vibrator and a table fit for fucking. See? Never would have thought of that without you."

Beau's was a wolf's smile as she threw a leg over Yasha's to perch between her knees. "What can I say? I'm invaluable."

Yasha smiled at her and hoped it didn't look too soft. "No arguments there."

As she was coming to expect, Beau seemed taken aback by the sincerity but rallied quickly to lean forward and run her fingers gently up the inside of Yasha's thigh. "Looks like it's the old fashioned way for tonight, yeah? Five bucks says I find your mood for you."

The fact was, Yasha did want Beau's hands on her. She wanted Beau, here, sharing this time with her in a way that made her happy. She'd be just as happy taking Beau for round two or three or six, or just lying here talking, but she knew those wouldn't make up for the need Beau had to reciprocate and feel she'd done her part. More than anything, Yasha wanted to facilitate what would make Beau feel good, and right now that was returning the favor. Yasha didn't mind, truly, and the reasoning made it that much easier to say, "You're on, but lights off."

Beau scrambled up without hesitation to flick the switch before diving back onto the bed with a soft thump. Yasha could still make her out fairly well in the dark, but the way the dim light from the streetlamp below softened the world made the feel of Beau's hands and her mouth that much more intense.

After a few minutes of tongues and Beau's thumbs on her nipples, Yasha puled away just long enough to venture, "Could I ride your face, maybe?"

Beau was no fool, and part of Yasha thought she might pick up on the request for it was - if Yasha had any hope of coming, it would need to be as easy as possible to forget there was another person involved.

But there was nothing but eagerness as Beau's eyes grew huge in the dimness. "Fuck. Yes." She flipped away and onto her back to pat her shoulders, wiggling down a little further in the sheets. Yasha breathed a sigh of relief and swung a leg over carefully, nerves dissipating somewhat at how quick Beau was to wrap her arms around her thighs and pull her down. She hissed softly when Beau's tongue pressed against her folds, and the pressure immediately eased.

"Sorry," Beau mumbled. "I'll be good. Just excited."

Yasha reached down and buried a hand in Beau's hair, and she smiled when Beau made no move to pause or flinch. "I know. We'll figure each other out."

She chanced a glance downward at the tilt of Beau's chin just for a glimpse of one of her honest smiles. "You bet," she said, and got to work happily.

And softly.

**Author's Note:**

> I LIVE. I've had better college AU works but to be fair, my train of thought did get obliterated by my computer just. Dying. In the middle of last week. For a minute there I thought I'd lost all my fics and wips! I don't trust onedrive but I'll give this round to it for auto-backing up onenote (I disabled onedrive for Word but that's not where I write).
> 
> Anyway hi, I've missed my routine. Hope you enjoyed this interrupted fic! And please never read the college AU fics and try to piece them together in a timeline. When I started these, I had no idea they'd become their own AU. Cues of "early" or "established" will help way more than what month it is.


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